Missing Person(the story of something that never happened)

I do not know if I have ever been in love with a man. I can't tell for sure. Maybe I'm too young to be certain. I thought I have but that turned out to be a misfitting sad attempt to fit in. I seem to have a lot of those. Yet, lately, the thoughts of a boy I met not long ago keep circling around in my dreams, like vultures- waiting for the wounded animal to finally die. I first dreamt of him a few months ago, when he was already gone, went to the other side of Earth. I say, if he was trying to get away from me, he couldn't have possibly done a better job.(but I am not THAT egocentric) Still, you won't believe how romantic that dream back then was. I feel that, for the needs of a further understanding of my story, I need to tell you how it all started. Exactly two years ago I was a freshman at the Sofia Uni. I started off as a mind-boggingly motivated Iranian studies student. I was part of, what seemed to be, the smallest Uni group, ever. There were these two boys with whom I saw a possible friendship development. Okay, okay, maybe not just friendship. And of coarse, that is how I met one of my best friends but that is a whole other story. The four of us began communicating a lot, sharing, spending time together. Until one day the boy in question, his name is Ilia, told me I was a complete nerd and sucking-up to our tutors, for learning so much (for truth's sake, he was right!). The guy in question wears a lot of hats (which I always found categorically sexy) and when he said what he said, I took his hat, smashed it to the ground and shouted in his face. I know, I know - I was being a total child and cry baby, believe me, now I know it. Fact is, from that day on he stopped talking to me. Ilia didn't even acknowledge my presence. I can't blame him, I would have done the same thing. Truth to be said, I felt I had so much in common with him, that I knew he would never be friendly towards me again. And I was right. As a result of me-being a complete coward I never really tried to make thing better. I apologize if I get into too many details. It's just that, I never really got over what happened. Ilia was so intelligent, witty and in a perverted way just the kind of crazy I always looked for. Not to mention how attracted I felt towards him. But we haven't spoken in some two years now and still, here I am, dreaming of him. In my dreams we often hold hands and there is even no sex involved. We just spend time together and he looks me in the eyes and we talk, and laugh, and I am happy. I wonder how many more years will it take me to forget him. I don't think it's love, it feels more like a yearning for closure and intimacy. Even now I still can't muster the courage to write directly to him, telling him how sorry I am...That I didn't get to know him better. But in my dreams it always feels like he is the warmest, most genuine person I have ever met. I miss him, as if a part of my own self was torn away and he has it. I can only hope that someday he will find out just how much. Липсва...