How not to exist and some quick tips on the errenous ways to grow up

A short time after midnight and I cease to exist. I dive into the cool waters of oblivion for a few rough hours that others call sleep. I don't really sleep, not really. Sometimes I wish I could just switch myself off. You'd think that is what "cease to exist" means and there's our first mutual big mistake. I re-appear in the world of the living early in the morning. And every morning I feel reborn, I am reborn,yet not in the good way. I start all over again. And all it takes is to keep breathing. All the battles are new, the battlefields change, the cause if different. But the enemy stays the same- always me. There is the righteous element to a war against yourself, I dare say. I grew up, wanting to believe in humans, striving to prove myself that people are worthy of my trust. And all the other years of my tiny life went for dissolving that myth. Or both things over-lapsed somehow, creating an unbearable paradox of fear and trust. And those years of false learning serve me as much as a bag of manure does, they stink up all my shiny moments of insight. Instead of preaching to myself all the wrong ideals, I could have just been a normal kid. That bird has flown, that little me, I mean. Now that I think about it, I was like an ostrich and I've spent most of the life as Kathy with my head buried in the sands of ignorance. One would assume, I once more invert your attention towards the changes that have lately occurred in my persona. That's not one of those times. All I wish is to share my truth with you. Because after and despite all of our disappointments, we are our own biggest enemies...And life is much easier when we accept that. Of coarse we all have the baggage of past mistakes. However, no one said we have to wear it on our shoulders all the time. Sometime after midnight Kathy ceases to exist. A few hours later she opens her brand new eyes and inhales with her brand new nostrils. All the days are different but the goal is always the same...To get to the other side!...???What side? I don't know, some side, where we can breath again, I guess...