Cruel addictions

I live in two realities. Separated. Far away from one another. No connection. At all.
The one you all know. It is hard mater. Hard emotions. Empty of beliefs. Almost empty of hope. But we all somehow endure it, clutching so hard to it as if our life is at stake. It is brutal and grotesque. It makes you want to cry, scream and run out of fear most of the time. Yet it is addictive. This reality makes you want more, just to see how far you can go. How long will it be before you break? How long will it be before I break? It is obscene, comical, laughing in your face. Most of the time I feel like I am looking at myself from a different angle and I can see how I slip further into the quicksands of obliteration,yet I cannot look away. What is this sick, twisted power that makes me want to watch? Is that the bloody contract we have signed to enter this side of life- To watch yourself slip away, unable to do a damn thing about it. And still feeling this sick thirst in your throat. For more! But what more?
And then there is this mind ensnaring place, timeless and nowhere to be found. It is the kingdom of glory. The home of the stillness that allows you to watch time passing,without you! The eye-watering emotions overwhelm me and I can finally breath without the pain of knowing some end is waiting around the corner. And yet I can't stay there any further. Not by choice but by the rules of some deal I have forgotten about.
I miss that time in the future when I will know! I love and hate having to wait. I miss my dreamworld and I give all my love to it!