Not all things need to be said... But I need to say them

I do not wish to speak what is on my mind! I wish to speak what is outside it...
I feel sometimes helpless, standing against the improbably enormous number of alternatives there are to the reality we so ignorantly reside in. Helpless - To find words, to experience all the emotions or to find the way to transform the all consuming craving for more from life.
I have a friend, this most peculiar beautifully tangled friend I ever had. She taught me so many things that I doubt it she'll ever get the big picture. And after such a variety of emotions we got through together, she feels the same, yet we both are different. And though she most surely doesn't get it, she is one of the too few people whom I don't fear things would change with. And for once I'm sure with Vanina I didn't make a wrong call. Want a proof?! - I call her all the time...
You see, there are times when I get so sick of my own self-destructive-analysing thought patterns that I completely shut down. And then everything, everyone seem foreign, distant. And then people, friends, like Vanina come out of a rabbit's hole and bring me back to reality.
I doubt it any of you need to be told how wonderful life is. I hate it when mentally messed up pretend-to-be-wisemen try telling me I should find the beauty of life in the little things. On the contrary, my kind of needed-beauty is in the feelings or the memories of them. The way I felt when a as a child I glanced at the hillsides; how my mother's coffee with honey smelled in the morning; the dark-pink, white-shaded-blue sky makes me feel at twilight. Those are the tiny moments in the great endlessness of the time void that make me eager to have more.But you can never get too much from life's peculiar way of telling you you're alive.
Are you sure you are alive. Or maybe you need a reminder?


P.S. I dedicate this to Vanina!...