Hello there!...
At times I wonder what is there more to write, or if I am the one who should be writing at all. It is a time of constant doubt and uncertainty we have all chosen to dwell at. And that is why I solemnly believe that we, humans, should always put all of our efforts into chasing the foggy veil away from what really matters.
So, it has come to my attention that in my eight months of writing this blog I have never even once tried to further elaborate upon the meaning of it's title. I have the slightest suspicion that one or two of my closest friends do understand it. Alas, that was not my goal. And here I am now, trying to fix my mistake. I almost feel like I've just bought red duck tape and I'm going to try and stitch up the wholes in my attempts of meaningfulness.
Chili?! I once ate this amazing dark chocolate with chili flavour. You can never know what I am talking about, until you have tasted it. The edgy taste of cocoa that you can almost feel flowing through your arteries... and then comes the spiciness and you can sense a gentle burn, growing from the front of your tongue all the way to your throat. For a few heart-breaking,short moments you can feel both sweetness and bitterness, tastelessness and spiciness. All at once! Revealing in front of your inner sight just how overwhelming life can be.
I am not sure, however, I could be able to describe so colourfully my fondness for the Tarrot cards. My Tarrot cards. Every time I try, I can feel my shoulders shrivelling over, as if there are trying to prevent the magic from escaping. Are we all slaves to our passion, to our inspiration?...Experiencing the chili moment is something each and everyone of you can achieve. You just need you mouth empty and you consciousness open to the possibilities. When it comes to the cards, however, the feeling is different every time and every time it is the same. Tarrot do not show us the future. At least not in the sense people are accustomed to clearly see reality. The sights Tarrot reveals are combined pictures of a maze of decisions. The endless possibilities that can turn into only one way for a heartbeat. The Tarrot cards never grant clarity, much like we refuse to grant it to ourselves,
My point is- I have found my source of inspiration, my fountain of ever youthful happiness. And even though it is at times hard to find my way back, I know such a place exists for me. I cannot think of a more wonderful wish for you all, than the one to find your own sources of inspiration. If there is one thing I'm sure of, it is that life is not what it should be without it.
Saturday 30 April 2011
Tuesday 26 April 2011
Искрено и ядно! За младите хора у нас и изпитаната порочна система
Сега искам да поговорим сериозно! Искам да се почувствате като в мафиотска фамилия, поканение в притъмнена стаичка с два амбалажни кашона за сядане. Аз не съм мафиотският бос. Аз съм по-скоро като малко вестниакрче, което може само да пипне вестниците, но не и да ги чете. Но имам какво да кажа,въпреки че явно няма кой да ми позволи да го напиша. Няма да споменавам имена, тъй като не съм чак дотам глупава и ядосана, че да си слагам главата в торбата. Нещо, на което всички ние бързо се научаваме тук, навсякъде в България тия дни, е, че ако не си мериш приказките, те рано или късно се връщат да се захапят по задника. Забравете свободата на словото.Тук става дума за запазване на собствената ти кожа. А на мен вече май ми писна да пазя моята с цената на мълчанието.
Който каквото ще да казва! Тия всички високопарни издателства могат да прокламират, декламират и пропагандират подкрепа за неиздавани писатели колкото си искат. Тия приказки само звучат добре, но фактически не съществуват. Истината, наистина, е, че без връзки тук там и протекция на някой по-нависоко нищо не става! Не само в литературата, не само в държавната администрация...НАВСЯКЪДЕ! То си е свършен факт.И колкото и огорчена, ядосана да съм аз, няма начин да се боря против тая порочна система, а и нямам такова намерение. Пък и нямам връзките за подобна революция.Колкото по-бързо го разберете, млади ми съратници, толкова по-добре. По принцип съм "ЗА" походите срещу вятърни мелници. Но силно се съмнявам дори храбрия, чаровен Дон да се навие на тая загубена кауза. Това е то! Грубо е, гадно е и означаване, че да искаш да се развиваш тук е почти толкова трудно, колкото котката да не изяде мишката. Но все пак няма невъзможни неща. Свалям шапка на хората, които избират да останат в България. Дерзайте!
Който каквото ще да казва! Тия всички високопарни издателства могат да прокламират, декламират и пропагандират подкрепа за неиздавани писатели колкото си искат. Тия приказки само звучат добре, но фактически не съществуват. Истината, наистина, е, че без връзки тук там и протекция на някой по-нависоко нищо не става! Не само в литературата, не само в държавната администрация...НАВСЯКЪДЕ! То си е свършен факт.И колкото и огорчена, ядосана да съм аз, няма начин да се боря против тая порочна система, а и нямам такова намерение. Пък и нямам връзките за подобна революция.Колкото по-бързо го разберете, млади ми съратници, толкова по-добре. По принцип съм "ЗА" походите срещу вятърни мелници. Но силно се съмнявам дори храбрия, чаровен Дон да се навие на тая загубена кауза. Това е то! Грубо е, гадно е и означаване, че да искаш да се развиваш тук е почти толкова трудно, колкото котката да не изяде мишката. Но все пак няма невъзможни неща. Свалям шапка на хората, които избират да останат в България. Дерзайте!
Narnia, Middle Earth and Wonderland
The white patch of something grey-looking was standing ahead of us. Even after so many years of coming up to this points, I still find it hard to believe that is snow. In the mountain of Pirin, in the middle of sunny July, in my home country of Bulgaria winter always seems so far away, like it is never coming back again.
I used to think hiking was to become a hugely important part of my life. But that doesn't come often to mind these days. Yet, that image of the muddy snow, stuck in a place where sun isn't strong enough to melt it, is an often guest to my day dreaming mind. The feeling of that stone cold consistence warms me up in my coldest of days, pumping up magic and wonder up my veins. And in those moments I once again feel that reverence for the snowy patches of another, better reality.
Yesterday, just near midnight, I walked the quiet street of my home town. And I swear to you, I could hear the silence, making its way up the cobbled streets and washing over me. Then came the scent of the rain, that was going to cover everything in the morning. That wondrous aroma of hope... Where was I all these years? Is this the place I grew up in? Why haven't I seen all the beauty sooner? Are the green hill sides other patches of that other reality? Is my balcony a viewing room to a better world?
I have a lesson for you today, you wonderful people! Don't let your future get in the way of your present. See all the beauty surrounding you, even when you think there is no beauty at all. Even if your road ahead is a cobbled street, those have a charm of their own...
I used to think hiking was to become a hugely important part of my life. But that doesn't come often to mind these days. Yet, that image of the muddy snow, stuck in a place where sun isn't strong enough to melt it, is an often guest to my day dreaming mind. The feeling of that stone cold consistence warms me up in my coldest of days, pumping up magic and wonder up my veins. And in those moments I once again feel that reverence for the snowy patches of another, better reality.
Yesterday, just near midnight, I walked the quiet street of my home town. And I swear to you, I could hear the silence, making its way up the cobbled streets and washing over me. Then came the scent of the rain, that was going to cover everything in the morning. That wondrous aroma of hope... Where was I all these years? Is this the place I grew up in? Why haven't I seen all the beauty sooner? Are the green hill sides other patches of that other reality? Is my balcony a viewing room to a better world?
I have a lesson for you today, you wonderful people! Don't let your future get in the way of your present. See all the beauty surrounding you, even when you think there is no beauty at all. Even if your road ahead is a cobbled street, those have a charm of their own...
Wednesday 20 April 2011
Turning tables
I knew he was rather the risk taker from the moment I shook hands with him. He told me his story and I still can't manage to categorize it. Was it sad, or happy,or miraculous that after everything he went through he was still in his right mind. I still find it amazing how other people, people that are complete strangers, may at times show you the answers you looked so hard for.I learned that day that sometimes you have to stop fighting the tide and surrender yourself to the numerous opportunities that come your way.
You told me your story. Now I want to tell you how it felt listening to it. You told me how lost you were and I, with my selfishness, thought about how I often times feel like fading in the blackness. You spoke about the pain of losing a loved one but how can I know what it is, when I have never been loved... You showed me the place in your soul where there was nothing but a hole, wide open, more hideous and crooked than an open flesh wound could ever be. And for a beautiful moment I stopped thinking, I stopped looking inwards to my tortured pretend to-be-problems. You helped me. Won't that stop the big black hole inside of you form widening?
Since when did someone else's suffering become so real? Or is it like that only for me? No! I will stop turning everything into a personal issue! That was what you made me promise. And I tend to keep my promises. You told me one last thing, before you went back to your exile. Do you remember? You told me that we are all together in our loneliness. And since that day I've never felt lonely again. So know I want to help you,my miserable friend! If we are all together in the happiness, if we're all together in the loneliness...then you were never alone! Want it or not, you never will be!
You told me your story. Now I want to tell you how it felt listening to it. You told me how lost you were and I, with my selfishness, thought about how I often times feel like fading in the blackness. You spoke about the pain of losing a loved one but how can I know what it is, when I have never been loved... You showed me the place in your soul where there was nothing but a hole, wide open, more hideous and crooked than an open flesh wound could ever be. And for a beautiful moment I stopped thinking, I stopped looking inwards to my tortured pretend to-be-problems. You helped me. Won't that stop the big black hole inside of you form widening?
Since when did someone else's suffering become so real? Or is it like that only for me? No! I will stop turning everything into a personal issue! That was what you made me promise. And I tend to keep my promises. You told me one last thing, before you went back to your exile. Do you remember? You told me that we are all together in our loneliness. And since that day I've never felt lonely again. So know I want to help you,my miserable friend! If we are all together in the happiness, if we're all together in the loneliness...then you were never alone! Want it or not, you never will be!
Monday 11 April 2011
"First man in space" day
Today is a great day for the planet! On this very day, only half a century ago, one extraordinary man flew out in space for the first time in human history. Funny thing, that is about the same time the world's greatest science fiction novels came to life. Or is it?
Truth to be said there were always dreamers in our world. Though some may have been called "plain crazy" throughout time, the dreams always endure. Yuri Gagarin's flight was the high point, the culmination of humanity's eagerness to question every possible limit. And after that it brought a new era with itself - one, when people's dreams became bigger and bolder.
I, myself, am a sucker for sci-fi. I pretty much read everything that has other planets and space flights in it. But, actually, all those books, movies ect. are flights of the mind.
Yet, this day is not only about the first flight in space. It is also the day to remember a human being, much like ourselves, who took a first step for all of us. I can't imagine what he felt, or how thoughts paced through his mind. I only know that without that first man in space, humanity would have had a different face today. So let us be free of all prejudice and differences today and celebrate the great journey of the human's mind and the historical journey of one great man!
Truth to be said there were always dreamers in our world. Though some may have been called "plain crazy" throughout time, the dreams always endure. Yuri Gagarin's flight was the high point, the culmination of humanity's eagerness to question every possible limit. And after that it brought a new era with itself - one, when people's dreams became bigger and bolder.
I, myself, am a sucker for sci-fi. I pretty much read everything that has other planets and space flights in it. But, actually, all those books, movies ect. are flights of the mind.
Yet, this day is not only about the first flight in space. It is also the day to remember a human being, much like ourselves, who took a first step for all of us. I can't imagine what he felt, or how thoughts paced through his mind. I only know that without that first man in space, humanity would have had a different face today. So let us be free of all prejudice and differences today and celebrate the great journey of the human's mind and the historical journey of one great man!
Ново начало
В духа на една нова личностна епоха, с изгрева на едно ново светоусещане или просто защото така искам, в идните 10-20 дни( може да се проточи, докато си правя гавра със себе си) ще обявя лична кавга на егоцентричните пориви на ултра-антропогенната си природа. Тържествено обещявам, че няма да говоря за себе си, чувствата ми, емоционалните падини(ще избягвам да разказвам и как говоря на цветето върху масата ми). Много практично, нали?! Сигурно се питаш за какво тогава ще пиша - и като казвам "питаш" не използвам личното обръщение като художествен похват, а като частно обръщение към единствения си читател. Миленка, това е за теб, бебчо!
В една много изтрадала книга, предвидливо наречена "Първи стъпки в писането", попрочетох, че трябва, за отскок, да пиша за неща, които добре познавам. Така че, задраскваме последните 9 месеца писане. Е, действително няма как да ги задраскам (там имаше някои интергалактически прозрения и една две врати към паралелни вселени).
Почваме на чисто. Най-вече, защото отказвам да приема, че "нямало такова нещо като ново начало". Има, защото аз така казвам.
И сигурно тръпката за първата тема расте в слънчевия сплит както расте егото на новопръкнал се секси български актьор. Днес ще говоря за окосената трева.Опа...почти да забравя, че вече не говоря за своите емоции...
КРАТКО СЪOБЩЕНИЕ:
В една много изтрадала книга, предвидливо наречена "Първи стъпки в писането", попрочетох, че трябва, за отскок, да пиша за неща, които добре познавам. Така че, задраскваме последните 9 месеца писане. Е, действително няма как да ги задраскам (там имаше някои интергалактически прозрения и една две врати към паралелни вселени).
Почваме на чисто. Най-вече, защото отказвам да приема, че "нямало такова нещо като ново начало". Има, защото аз така казвам.
И сигурно тръпката за първата тема расте в слънчевия сплит както расте егото на новопръкнал се секси български актьор. Днес ще говоря за окосената трева.Опа...почти да забравя, че вече не говоря за своите емоции...
КРАТКО СЪOБЩЕНИЕ:
По причини, непредвидени от списвачката на тая страница, днешната тема се отлага за друг живот, когато пак ще бъде егоцентрик.
Monday 4 April 2011
Където умират мечтите!
Гълъбите отново енергично се разтъпчват по ламаринения ми перваз. Тази сутрин не поздравих Слънцето. Но май гълъбите са го направили вместо в мен. Преди ми се струваха много нахални. Сега малко ги съжалявам. Те летят, а им се налага да се разхождат по моя жалък перваз. Защо ли си избират такава изпаднала алтернатива?...
Тази сутрин пак чувствам отчетливото парене от ляво на гърба ми. Може би ще е важен ден?! - Кого залъгвам? Тук дните винаги са еднакво разочароващи. И като казвам тук нямам превдид нито мястото, нито времето. Имам предвид там горе, в изолираната ильозорна представа за реалност, която нарочна съм си създала, за да ме ограничава. Понякога се чудя дали си въобразявам или моите тенденциозно изолиращи представи за реалността и самата реалност вече не си препокриват плашещо акуратно.
А дали Студентски град всъщност не е една огромна черна дупка, която разяжда всичко, докоснало се до нея. И превръща всичко в себе си - мръсна, гнусна, гротескна метериализация на някаква неясна, отдавназабравена идея. Тъжно ми е за всички, които живеят тук и за мен, самата, ми е тъжно. А тия, които искат да останат, направо ги съжалявам.
Всички!(не преувеличавам) идват тук с очаквания, каквито и да е. За по-забавен живот, за по-добра среда, за по- удовлетворяваща перспектива. А после само минаваме, безучастни, покрай претъпканите кофи и мръсните градинки. И не искаме да гледаме разлагащата се, воняща, мръсотия, защото донякъде ни напомня за разпадащите се очаквания. Но всеки има право на избор и аз дълбоко уважавам това.От мен, толкоз! Аз вече съм се ориентирала към една ВМЦ ( Въздушна МечтоЦентрала). Astalavista бейбита! So long suckers!
P.S. Предайте моите съболезнования на мястото, където умират всички мечти!
Тази сутрин пак чувствам отчетливото парене от ляво на гърба ми. Може би ще е важен ден?! - Кого залъгвам? Тук дните винаги са еднакво разочароващи. И като казвам тук нямам превдид нито мястото, нито времето. Имам предвид там горе, в изолираната ильозорна представа за реалност, която нарочна съм си създала, за да ме ограничава. Понякога се чудя дали си въобразявам или моите тенденциозно изолиращи представи за реалността и самата реалност вече не си препокриват плашещо акуратно.
А дали Студентски град всъщност не е една огромна черна дупка, която разяжда всичко, докоснало се до нея. И превръща всичко в себе си - мръсна, гнусна, гротескна метериализация на някаква неясна, отдавназабравена идея. Тъжно ми е за всички, които живеят тук и за мен, самата, ми е тъжно. А тия, които искат да останат, направо ги съжалявам.
Всички!(не преувеличавам) идват тук с очаквания, каквито и да е. За по-забавен живот, за по-добра среда, за по- удовлетворяваща перспектива. А после само минаваме, безучастни, покрай претъпканите кофи и мръсните градинки. И не искаме да гледаме разлагащата се, воняща, мръсотия, защото донякъде ни напомня за разпадащите се очаквания. Но всеки има право на избор и аз дълбоко уважавам това.От мен, толкоз! Аз вече съм се ориентирала към една ВМЦ ( Въздушна МечтоЦентрала). Astalavista бейбита! So long suckers!
P.S. Предайте моите съболезнования на мястото, където умират всички мечти!
Saturday 2 April 2011
Cruel addictions
I live in two realities. Separated. Far away from one another. No connection. At all.
The one you all know. It is hard mater. Hard emotions. Empty of beliefs. Almost empty of hope. But we all somehow endure it, clutching so hard to it as if our life is at stake. It is brutal and grotesque. It makes you want to cry, scream and run out of fear most of the time. Yet it is addictive. This reality makes you want more, just to see how far you can go. How long will it be before you break? How long will it be before I break? It is obscene, comical, laughing in your face. Most of the time I feel like I am looking at myself from a different angle and I can see how I slip further into the quicksands of obliteration,yet I cannot look away. What is this sick, twisted power that makes me want to watch? Is that the bloody contract we have signed to enter this side of life- To watch yourself slip away, unable to do a damn thing about it. And still feeling this sick thirst in your throat. For more! But what more?
And then there is this mind ensnaring place, timeless and nowhere to be found. It is the kingdom of glory. The home of the stillness that allows you to watch time passing,without you! The eye-watering emotions overwhelm me and I can finally breath without the pain of knowing some end is waiting around the corner. And yet I can't stay there any further. Not by choice but by the rules of some deal I have forgotten about.
I miss that time in the future when I will know! I love and hate having to wait. I miss my dreamworld and I give all my love to it!
The one you all know. It is hard mater. Hard emotions. Empty of beliefs. Almost empty of hope. But we all somehow endure it, clutching so hard to it as if our life is at stake. It is brutal and grotesque. It makes you want to cry, scream and run out of fear most of the time. Yet it is addictive. This reality makes you want more, just to see how far you can go. How long will it be before you break? How long will it be before I break? It is obscene, comical, laughing in your face. Most of the time I feel like I am looking at myself from a different angle and I can see how I slip further into the quicksands of obliteration,yet I cannot look away. What is this sick, twisted power that makes me want to watch? Is that the bloody contract we have signed to enter this side of life- To watch yourself slip away, unable to do a damn thing about it. And still feeling this sick thirst in your throat. For more! But what more?
And then there is this mind ensnaring place, timeless and nowhere to be found. It is the kingdom of glory. The home of the stillness that allows you to watch time passing,without you! The eye-watering emotions overwhelm me and I can finally breath without the pain of knowing some end is waiting around the corner. And yet I can't stay there any further. Not by choice but by the rules of some deal I have forgotten about.
I miss that time in the future when I will know! I love and hate having to wait. I miss my dreamworld and I give all my love to it!
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